So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
