ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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