my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize