I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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