I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
