hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh god it's open bar.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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