oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize