Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
