I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
