did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
