I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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