I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
