I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
