Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize