i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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