something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
