ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
