Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
