K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
