You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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