I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
