Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize