My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
