mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
