Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize