operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
