if i can run in heels then i can drive
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
