Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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