I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
