Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
