I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize