What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she woke up with a sticky ear
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I enjoy the company of your penis
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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