You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize