i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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