Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
