Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
