Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
