is your mom at the bar?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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