When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
