I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
A bitchslap is in order.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
