see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
