if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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