I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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