Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
