I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
