life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
