My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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