At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize