I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize