Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
