"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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