guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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