it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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