Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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