If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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