We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
