you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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