That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
